gizmodo - "In the Future, No One Will Have Eyebrows"

not only does the girl look like the victim off too much plastic surgery and a vicious nosejob,

but the guy is wearing a piece of tape covering the most expressive half of his face and you can still tell his rapist eyes are perving hard.






but you wanted watches, ties, and bracelets instead?





i never knew people who never have, will, or can experience an orgasm could be so happy.

back to the drawing board for you Azumi & David, you can catch the bus back with Jean-charles de Castelbajac.

whatever.
i'll probably just use them as nipple pasties anyways.

don't blame me when i put your sunglasses over the holes you breathe from.

this entry has been brought to you by ritalin.

well,


it's that time of the month where i hate sad people who have mastered the dual skill of having too much time on their hands and too many pets.


as though he wasn't already droopy enough.

actually, im jumping ship on pet costumes , and knitting this time, because this post has been abruptly hijacked by muppet inspired fashions...












sorry Jean-charles de Castelbajac - sorry the culture shock between france and americas has set you into a fashion frenzy, but maybe oscar the grouch will point you in the right direction. maybe if these clothes were about 9 sizes smaller than an anorexic model, they would fit a chubby toddler, then be subject to a whole new realm of my hate.

i however, DO need this;


now this entry has turned into a list of STUPID THINGS A STUPID GIRL NEEDS ^_________________^

(this outta a cake for my birthday - hint hint, the 20th.)

thanks sara...

VICTORY IS MINE.

BURN IN HELL FOUL SHOE.

A RUBBER HEEL WHICH EVOLVED FROM A FOAMY AIR-ATED GARDENING SHOE??? you've got to be kidding me. why don't we just use wood and live in china 770-476BC. FOOLS.

also, i just found these;

as convenient as these may be, im sure the cost of a dual magic shoe far outweighs paying for two separate entities of shoes, and anything which clicks in and out in a Heelys type manner...

is not convenient enough for me.

best and worst boyfriend.

this guy realistically probably has the facial hair of a freshly pubescent 13 yr old girl's armpits.

idiot. you look like my menstruations.

rick ross, eat your heart out.

30 Hula Hoops At Once


i want to murder this child with my laughter.

the other day overtop black leggings or longsocks, my boss was wearing a deep royal purple capri length, flared wideleg, highwasted pant with a short cut, atrocity of a blazer-top-thing, volumptuous-fatty-garment.

rediculous, right?

in plain english for all you men,

she looked like grimace.

i work beneath a woman who is paid a notably larger salary than mine, who chooses to dress herself in a grimace-like manner.

baffling really. i personally would like to look like a russian babushka doll, but what does that matter, because my appearance is getting written up by a shapeshifter who chooses to be an upsidedown purple bouquet of bridal flowers. it is what it is i guess.

those poor unsuspecting asian children are me and my coworkers, unable to point out that she may be the long lost purple barbapapa.

(this is a french cartoon show from a billion years ago, it translates in english to 'cotton candy' those mutated rainbow blobs are cotton candy - how wretched, i know.)

how obscene really. i mean, aside from hating all of the mcdonalds characters, i don't really know which end of the spectrum i'm on about the hamburglar still, only because i like the name hamburglar;

but come ON, one wide can opening hick yokel tooth? throw him beside this eggplant coloured gumdrop chicken mcnugget mystery blob, YEAH THATS WHAT I WANT MY CHILDREN TO GROW UP WITH. how confusing.

even more confusing?

this ahem, "hand puppet" which may be a fancy word for condom inclusive with cockring and GRIMACE ARMS.

don't you hand puppet me. do you realise who you're toying with? i've heard it all when it comes to sex, besides, i can see the grimace faced reservoir tip.
the only thing more enraging than that filthy sack of a armed condom is the fact at how mad would you be after it broke and GRIMACE LITTERALLY IMPREGNATED YOU.

a comedy club is around the corner from my home and i always eyefuck it when passing by, contemplating on watching, or worse attempting. too afraid mostly of watching the unfunny, even worse being unfunny, or the worst fate of all, coming off as some chatty cathy jenny seinfeld with hand movements galore. best kept at bay in a blog i think. i could write a fucking enclyclopedia gillen on retarded instances of my childhood though. thanks mom, speaking of mom....speaking of unsuspecting azns;

knock knock who's there?



tsunami.

thanks pepin.

thanks to my packin' friend pepin, i can't stop keeping up with cake wrecks;

fuck you aretha franklin.

there, i said it. take that black queen of soul, i hope your giant bedazzled hat burns in hell. fashion my ass ! inauguration or not, that thing stinks. rosa parks would never wear such a thing !

or maybe she would...

...waaaaaaaaaaaaaait, a second.

editors note; tiger woods would be here if a woodchuck could chuck wood, and wore anything other than nike caps, EVER. bigups to oprah and kanye for being too smart to be busted with a goofy hat. also irritating is that kanye is now known as 'martin louis the king jr.'

what.

but i digress.

here are two of my most hated things,

the hat, with a cameo appearance from ellen.

WORST.
of course this smug asian would think otherwise.

of course.

in other news,
my cat is a pervert.

thanks lionel.

forensics be jammin a brotha up.

remember the time that belladonna143 from miami on InkedNation.com had the same tattoos as me as though they were done by an Easter Seals child who got ahold of some crayons?






yea, i mad.

guess that makes sense seeing as i've been in a fleet of tattoo magazines, but still. wow.

i've seen the future of makeup and it sucks

so i've been really poor and run out of makeup, like seriously wearing leftover odds and ends of shades lighter and darker from when i was albino and when i lived in laguna beach type shit. we're talking here about 8 months not having bought makeup. SERIOUS BIZ.

i made my way to the Bay the other day to get my usual mascara from Estee Lauder, and on the way i see this add from Lancome about oscillating mascara.

now, you've got to be kidding me...i have enough hatred for vibrating shavers, because not only do i think they don't work, but because i BELIEVE THEY DON'T WORK. but out of all the things to be scratching your brain to improve, and you choose A VIBING MASCARA HEAD??!? FOR SHAME LANCOME. WHY NOT A VIBRATING HAT TO MASSAGE YOUR HAIR AND TO EXFOLIATE YOUR SCALP TO PRODUCE A FULLER HEAD OF BULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIT. WAIT THERE IS A US PATENT FOR ONE ALREADY. FUCK THIS. I'M OUT.

so i get to the Estee Lauder counter, and low and behold my mascara of preference, has now been vibed. AWESOME. FOR SHAME ESTEE.


really? that's what the people want? vibrating mascara? out of everything you've ever wanted out of makeup, and all your could pluck out of your wildest dreams was a wiggling mascara applicator??! nothing really actually futuristic and jetsons like involving water, a pill, and a robust curvy robot? nothing effortlessly applied to your face to give you the glamourous version of yourself that you could never be? no one time application to give you the best skin always forever always? instead the brain child produced is a dildo hybrid for you to wiggle dangerously close to your eyes?

WICKED.

get ready world, i'm making this,

i'll worry about how it's going to apply makeup later.