merry early christmas to me i guess. hmm...
knowing my prior hate for crocs , found here (and as a sidenote, it makes me very happy that when searching 'jengillen crocs' my blog entry pops up first)
you can surely imagine the blind rage i went into last night at 2am when my dearest pal ali had fueled me with nothing but nightmares by sending me a link to these atrocities right before bed.

i'm sorry, pardon? i had to do a double take, because my eyes were crying out vomit at the sight of these.

why did the chicken cross the road? TO ESCAPE FROM THE CROCS GETTING TORN A NEW HOLE WHILE MAKING SNUFF FILMS WITH UGGS TO CREATE THE SPAWN OF SATAN MEANT FOR FEET.


why would you want to wear these?

okay, you can try to justify crocs, for comfort, and for breathability, while wearing your lululemons not for working out, nor your shoes for 'gardening'. but the cross over of rubber douche made shoes, past labour day, possibly with white pants and matching handbag, is absolutely infuriating. rubber wooly shapeless half leg encasements. you are essentially wrapping your feet in a million no-no's all in one.

for shame.

uggs, entirely stupid; they always change a darker shade always because theyve been made out of an absorbant material. WHY WOULD YOU THINK ADDING A RUBBER SUMMERTIME GARDENING SHOE TO THE BOTTOM SOLVE YOUR WINTER WOES.

these are officially an appetite suppresant.

sidenote; i used this ridiculous handcream on my face, and now my face feels like the smoothest silks of china in 27th century BCE.


or that of a million babies bums. GROAN.

could've fooled me.

PLEASSSSSSSEE ?!?!

admittedly, i'm not very good at math (actually i only excel at 'math for dummies' from working at the bank) however, i feel as though i may not raise the bar these costumes have previously set..

hallowe'eird.

The end of october represents many things, generally dressing up everything in our possession such as pets, babies, houses, but ironically undressing ourselves. The holiday spirit is exerted on decking out your living abode in tacky, oops, spooky decorations, and scurrying around trying to gather the smallest fragments of clothing to piece together the sluttiest costume possible; the slutty nurse, the slutty cowboy, the slutty cat, the slutty janitor,
fig. 1

the slutty ghostbuster (yeaaaaah mama nakie fighting ghosties.)

fig. 1.5

or the 'piece de resistance' , lo and behold; the slutty anorexic skeleton.

fig. 1.6
i know this is supposed to be an angel/devil costume (such a clever take from Target)

but it only looks like a sideways slutty indonesian flag.
fig. 1.65

Tsunami = 1 / Indonesians = 0

Fortunately if you happen to be a pet owner, your common sense tends to plummet during this holiday season. while owning a pet, slowly but surely a piece of your brain used for decision making slowly rots and falls off in a similar fashion to a new born's belly button, thus resulting in a painful holiday for your beloved family pet. Without this silent but crucial nugget within the limbic system of your brain, your common sense during a holiday season gets a little skewed as you suddenly get the urge to strap things to your pet.

fig. 2


since pictures speak louder than words, here's enough pictures to argue with your mother;

fig. 2.1


fig. 2.15


fig. 2.2


fig. 2.25


fig. 2.3


fig. 2.35

SHALOM !!

fig. 2.4


fig. 2.45

sherrif turds-on-your-couch.

fig. 2.5


fig. 2.55

this dog is actually named guido.

fig. 2.6


fig. 2.65

senor turds-alot

fig. 2.7

idog.

fig. 2.75


fig. 2.8


fig. 2.85


fig. 2.9


fig. 2.95

i can understand the devil horns, but did he really need a set of devil googly eyes?

dogs i believe are constantly the brunt of the joke on halloween due to having a weaker self defense mechanism, most notably less sharp talons. cats defeat halloween for the most part, cept these few; they fucked up.

fig. 3


fig. 3.1


fig. 3.2

GROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN.

fig. 3.3


fig. 3.4


what about babies you say? babies are my kryptonite. they represent everything i hate. drippy, drooly, whiny, sniffly, grabby, kicky, bobble heady, noisy, needy, poopy, icky. ugh. nothing makes me hate a child more than when it is decked out in a disguise to make it less of a baby.

fig. 4.1


fig. 4.2


fig. 4.3

UGH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DONT RUIN PIZZA FOR ME.

fig. 4.4

fifty dollars says this child does not smell 'fresh'.

fig. 4.5

QUICK BOIL HIM WHILE HES STILL ALIVE.

fig. 4.6

toucan sam would be pissed hes copping his steez.

fig. 4.7

cause all a baby needs is more things to excrete liquids from.

fig. 4.8

the diaper is in the centre.

fig. 4.9

UGH I LOVE ICE CREAM.

fig. 666

this is exactly what makes me wake up screaming.

don't get me wrong, halloween is my least hated holiday because it's not filled with as much goodness and wholesome family times, but why do people need to take it to the next level. forced halloween costumes, its like auschwitz on my eyes.

although i hate to say it,

but this is the girl of my dreams.

internal conflict.

my feet are the antagonist of the story, and my nose the protagonist;

all i want to do is take off my shoes because i cut my toenails too short, but in my mind, the fear of the stench of my feet is keeping them on.

life's hard sometimes.

dear New Jersey

i've traced your phone number online to Essex County, possibly somerville or newark. i really wish you wouldnt call when i'm asleep nor at work, because the fact of the matter is my hatred for phones is strong, and the likelyhood of calling back a number completely unknown to me?

you may as well start participating in the lottery in the meantime.

i was super productive upon getting home from work nearly 5 hrs ago.
now after 5 hrs of solid procrastination i have nothing to show aside from a full belly, two mad cats, and the sneaking in of an entirely irrelevant gif i found online a while ago that would have never come in handy ever until i turned into such a lazy asshole.
i even got too lazy to go out to the betsey johnson 30th anniversary fashion show. im sure there will be another thirtieth anniversary sometime in the near future. i got so tired from such ruthless relentless procrastination, that i decided to even take a nap with my laptop on my lap, and my papers ontop.
that's right, i do my own stunts.

i confess. i've been watching a lot of mtv tonight, and they keep on playing this little blip of a new song by 'lykke li' - don't ask me. i didn't bother even looking into how that's pronounced.


i don't see how playing a clip of this video/song does it any justice cause the blink worth of screen time on tv plays this inaudible verse;


a little bit, a little bit
a little bit in love with you
but only if you're
a little but, a little bit, a little bit
in lo-lo-lo-lo-love with me
oh

ooo-ooo...

it sounds like finnish gibberish until you concentrate on what she's saying while reading the lyrics. DEAR GOD WOMAN ENUNCIATE CHRISTSAKES.

watching this song multiple times to criticize it kinda has it growing on me, my attention is mostly captivated at 1:53 in the song, because a frumpy broad with free spirited boobs makes her entrance on the right, and continues to shimmy in her animal negligee. please, for the love of my pupils, dock those with a boyscout knot or two !

i still can't put my finger on what her voice is comparable to when it reaches that plush high pitch of hers, i think it reminds me of children. all i know is that when paired with a spazy twitch version of the hokey pokey, it leaves a sour taste in my eyes.


alright, better. she emits a good beat, and a better sing song voice in the vein of cat power vs fiest feel almost, but done in a tiny eerie voice still half the time. this video makes me wish i was under the influence. any influence.

the distance school hallway dance part of the video is like britney spears choreographer in 'hit me baby one more time' was playing a cruel prank on her career.
thankfully now britney spears needs no aid in sabotaging her own career.


this version features robyn looking like a certifiable grade A dyke. also featuring a couple indecipherable pouty megaphone lyrics, followed up with an eerie high pitched drug induced voice. this dance has been brought to you by listerined cherokee indians.
you can send your thanks via the casino.

as an intermission between hates i will give a written mad props, high five, gold star, A+, big ups, and shout out to the greek god of foods; pancakes.

entirely different from a roman pancake on urbandictionary.com you jerks.

seriously though, pancakes are literally an oracle amongst breakfast foods. even when less fluffy and more dense like a clammy hand, they taste delicious when cold.

you, fluffy as a cloud, and piled high the to the sky,

you are everything that is right with the world.

everyone from luchadors to lepers can appreciate a good pancake

although somehow google has failed me, and apparently sumos, luchadors, nor wrestlers eat pancakes, or at least do not take photographic evidence of such events. i'm pretty mad about it actually - oh ! better keep the mood of this entry light and airy; LIKE A PANCAKE !!!

one can only assume this man is a wrestler.

think of the potential. think of how obedient his wife is.


im fairly adamant about wanting to marry this man.

my hate of children is overpowered by my love of immense things in this picture.

ie: big things !

and this little piggy was made out of batter and digested squee squee squee all the way to my bowels.