if it ain't broke - don't fix it

to be said for many things; body parts, kitchen appliances, beloved pet genitals, virgins. in this case, transportation ! tweaking, fixing, altering, and especially trying to think up the next big invention in a get rich quick scheme flatout sucks. need i mention the segway? this is what happens when brains fixated on making an as-seen-on-tv product strays from the bacon tray and thinks, "fuck this, im tired of walking to my bacon dripping tray in the microwave, isn't there anything faster?"

fig 0.5

the bacon wave has many advantages over the infamous papertowel and a plate; it only costs $14.95 and is available for immediate delivery so you don't have to waste calories patting the bacon down yourself.

fig 1.0

revolutionary transportation method?

fig 1.5

or sneaky gimmick that tricked few and far between. this flaming red homo will set you back 6000euros thanks to ferrari = too many dollars. put down the conversion rate.

initially intended to be revolutionary widespread transportation method, some where along the way, people realised their own fully functional legs were generally more efficient, less goofy looking, free, very easy to accessorize; with pants ! now reduced to the mode of transportation for solely gob on arrested development.

fig 1.7

on the official segway site, they still promote that police and government would benefit from segways. "allowing officers to be more visible and respond more quickly to crime situations and emergencies". i'm sure nothing is more intimidating than a cop unwilling to exert his own able legs.

fine. the bicycle, proven throughout history to be very efficient. tandem bike, unicycle; fine, slight alterations on a winning design that generally makes sense. cept for unicyle.

fig 2.0

you probably belong in the circus.

fig 2.5

you may either be married to the bearded woman of the circus, or unknowingly are the bearded woman of the office.

i mean, i know we all get a little crazy sometime and we've all thought of a bicycle having sex with a trampoline and spawning some sort of fantastical super invention.
....wait no?

well stop dreaming regardless, cause some asshat already went full speed ahead and ruined his life before you had the chance.

fig 3.1

fig 3.2

fig 3.3


bouncing your ass around in a baby jumper using flintstones advanced foot propelling technology hardly seems like the best manner to get around. seems to me, dual foot transportation may have become extinct in a tar pit of sorts in that era. and that way it should stay. skateboards. fine. scooters?! don't push your luck.
what kind of grown person uses a scooter. everytime i see anyone older than about 9 with a scooter, it's so infuriating cause they are old enough to know better. anyone younger than 9 i hate for solely being a child. overlapping hates just get complicated.

i was going to feature a grown dipshit using a scooter, but instead stumbled across this.

fig 4.0

dogs are generally awesome. dog owners sometimes have dicks for brains.
"i love scooters, why wouldn't my dog"
because he's a dog and you shouldn't make him guilty by association by strapping him into your silly contraption !

fig 5.0

fuck this.