i've seen the future of makeup and it sucks

so i've been really poor and run out of makeup, like seriously wearing leftover odds and ends of shades lighter and darker from when i was albino and when i lived in laguna beach type shit. we're talking here about 8 months not having bought makeup. SERIOUS BIZ.

i made my way to the Bay the other day to get my usual mascara from Estee Lauder, and on the way i see this add from Lancome about oscillating mascara.

now, you've got to be kidding me...i have enough hatred for vibrating shavers, because not only do i think they don't work, but because i BELIEVE THEY DON'T WORK. but out of all the things to be scratching your brain to improve, and you choose A VIBING MASCARA HEAD??!? FOR SHAME LANCOME. WHY NOT A VIBRATING HAT TO MASSAGE YOUR HAIR AND TO EXFOLIATE YOUR SCALP TO PRODUCE A FULLER HEAD OF BULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIT. WAIT THERE IS A US PATENT FOR ONE ALREADY. FUCK THIS. I'M OUT.

so i get to the Estee Lauder counter, and low and behold my mascara of preference, has now been vibed. AWESOME. FOR SHAME ESTEE.


really? that's what the people want? vibrating mascara? out of everything you've ever wanted out of makeup, and all your could pluck out of your wildest dreams was a wiggling mascara applicator??! nothing really actually futuristic and jetsons like involving water, a pill, and a robust curvy robot? nothing effortlessly applied to your face to give you the glamourous version of yourself that you could never be? no one time application to give you the best skin always forever always? instead the brain child produced is a dildo hybrid for you to wiggle dangerously close to your eyes?

WICKED.

get ready world, i'm making this,

i'll worry about how it's going to apply makeup later.